it’s three-thirty in the morning and i need to be in the ventura marina in five hours, but i had to start writing this down rather than continue to keep myself awake trying to make mental cliff notes for later. i spent all of thursday watching ten hours of television for my sitcom final friday morning. this probably sounds like an enjoyable experience, but the reality is that i have never really been one for t.v. shows. it was also made less fun by the need to take notes per episode to reference in potential essays.
despite needing to wake up at about six-thirty in the morning on friday to prepare for my eight o’clock final, naturally i awoke around three in the morning for a while. i skimmed through my social media app (see: drug) of choice, and liked a close friend’s post. they messaged me to ask why i was still up and we launched into a lengthier conversation than i had planned on getting into. i had noticed some patterns in our recent conversations that indicated to me that they’d been having a rough time and made them aware that i’d noticed while offering any additional support they might need. the response i got was far more than i was expecting. after stating appreciation for the support, they added, “Addressing everything in whatever way I can do safely is important and I just have to face it openly and see who I can turn to. I refuse to be a secret or live in secret.”
i was speechless. i am not accustomed to being on the receiving end of this sort of discourse. what i am accustomed to is mentally bashing my head against the wall, desperately trying to concoct custom-devised methods to elicit communication from others. rarely is it simply offered up so freely without having to essentially coerce or coax it out. rare is this self-assured level of self-reflection and self-awareness (self, self, self). and more importantly, it was a statement that mirrored my own philosophy back to me – especially as someone who has often felt like someone else’s secret, or felt obligated to live in secret at the behest of others, which is a terrible feeling. it reverberated exactly the message and practice that i attempt to facilitate on a daily basis. i simply cannot overstate my appreciation of this declaration.
the evening following my final, i had another profound conversation that stemmed from the topic of the journey of sexual identity and the relationships that help shape it. while my history of sexual trauma created a plethora of other issues, my sexual identity was never something i was confused or uncertain about. some years ago when i mentioned an ex-girlfriend, a close coworker turned to me, surprised, and asked, “Did you just come out to me?” i chuckled and replied, “i was never in.”
the friend i was speaking to friday night, however, had a far different experience. after asking how i sexually identified and receiving the ever-frustrating answer given to everyone since i became a sexually active being (which is that i refuse to categorize myself and that i am attracted to people and not to gender) they offered up another perspective, stating in no uncertain terms how they identified, and that it was incredibly important to them to confirm their identity and its categorization because they felt they had no representation growing up and that in making this fact well-known, they wanted to stand as a role model for those who might be struggling with discerning their own sexual identities. i find this incredibly admirable, and it, too, felt to be a more pointed example of the message made by my other friend the night previously, and the message that is the driving force behind most of my decisions in life.
it’s now four-thirty and i need to be sleeping. in any case, both friends are readers of this site (and i thank you both for that), but as my conversation with friday friend was occurring in real time, i was able to respond in relation to what i’m actually doing here with this page. there are times when i am concerned that perhaps i am over-sharing or that much of this content is too personal or inappropriate, but the reality is that any and all of what i share here is something i would share with any stranger if asked (and sometimes even without prompting).
there’s also the concept of embarrassment, which is mildly foreign to me. don’t get me wrong – i’ve certainly felt embarrassed, but while at times over trivial details, more often than not only over rather large mishaps, and it usually passes quickly. why feel embarrassment over the human experience? we can’t not be human, so it doesn’t make sense to me to feel embarrassed about it. if anything, i make an effort to wear my feeble foibles proudly. it’s an honor to be a human bean (yep) on this planet for this short time, and it is worth the effort to attempt to experience as much as possible while here. why should we sweat the minor bumps along the way? i voiced that on the contrary, after years of repressing both feelings and words, that absolutely nothing felt more freeing than expression without inhibition.
what was said about being a role model for others who are struggling with their own processes led me to ruminate. there is something really lovely to be said for those who survive their painful journeys, and after trudging through the mud, emerge on the other side battered and bruised, then willingly turn back to lead others through the same path so that they might have an easier time with some guidance. while i don’t think of myself as a role model, i must acknowledge that this was the exact purpose of this entire page. communication can be difficult and sometimes scary.
it is five in the morning and today is clearly going to be rough. all this to say, these conversations reaffirmed for me that this is the path i need to be on right now – the bizarre path of compiling a series of far-too-personal experiences onto a seldom-read website. additionally, if there is anything to be said for the law of attraction (and i’m not saying there is because that stuff is weirdy, but like, maybe), then it further supports this theory. having two deeply communicative and free-flowing conversations back-to-back that hold a wealth of meaning to me stands in drastic contrast to communications (or lack thereof) in a handful of friendships (?) i have attempted to navigate in the past year alone. it has been only recently that i have attempted to re-instill better intrapersonal boundaries. yes, boundaries by myself and against myself. i am notoriously terrible with boundaries and have a tendency to endlessly forgive and see the best in everyone when it’s in the opposite of my best interest. however, i can’t keep attempting to single-handedly mend friendships or keep them afloat…that’s not friendship. having people around who want to be present and supportive as much as i want to do for them is just an exceptional gift for which i feel very fortunate. pulling teeth is for the birds.
i always feel iffy after writing ad nauseam about the inside of my brain. reading back the number of i’s in an entry is particularly cringeworthy. this entry had 42 in which “i” specifically referred to myself (make that 43), but personal experience is really all we have to work with. that being said – just over here urging everyone to keep communicating. the worst that can happen is that you grow closer each day to becoming entirely yourself. if you feel you are alienating yourself in the process, it’s making room for the people you’re meant to be around. the process is ongoing, perhaps never fully achieved, but a major relief all the same with every practice. authenticity offers an unparalleled experience of catharsis. i don’t have some clever tie-in and ending at what is five-thirty in the morning now – just keep striving to be unapologetically yourselves. good night, and good morning.
