it’s been almost twelve weeks since i’ve written. i attempted to convince myself to just let this total lapse in mental wellness pass, assuming it would be brief, and that i’d be right back to writing about things outside of myself in no time, but time keeps passing by and this cloud looming over me seems to be going nowhere. so – keep this in mind as i struggle my way through whatever soulless entry this will undoubtedly turn out to be. at the very least, i’d like to imagine that perhaps someone reading this might be experiencing something comparable and find the least bit of solace in solidarity – though it’s certainly not something i wish on anyone.
towards the end of march into early april, the anniversaries of my losses began pulling on the loose threads of my mental tapestry – our collective loss at the hands of the ongoing pandemic and associated traumas of which we have not even begun to fathom the full extent of its effects for the remainder of our lives, and of course the incomprehensible loss of my father. i know that this level of dissociation is a mechanism designed by our own brains as an attempt to protect us from having to face whatever unfathomable realities we cannot bear, but i can’t help but marvel in slight horror at the brain’s ability to fabricate such an intricate labyrinth of compartmentalization in order to remain functional. i don’t think i’ve ever witnessed my own mental repression in real time like this before; it is both terrifying and fascinating. there is occasionally a complete detachment from the self, like watching your life play out on a movie screen and feeling nothing the actor is experiencing.
another large part of this hiatus has been university-related as college courses have been running me ragged. as a result, i haven’t had the time to roller skate much or surf or lay in the sand or do any of the things that keep me connected with the earth and feeling remotely human or capable of creative thought. at the very least, i’ve continued taking photos and posting something each day for some semblance of ritualistic routine. however, after writing countless school papers back-to-back, the idea of sitting down to write creatively feels somewhat akin to self-immolation, which almost sounds preferable. now that the quarter has ended, much like a child about to take a long car ride, i figured owed it to myself to at least try and see what comes out.
the end of the end is pretty much here – covid vaccines have rolled out and things are reopening at record speeds. traffic is picking back up. people are abhorrent again as the sense of camaraderie fades and they resume to benefit from capitalism and forget all about being “in this together.” things at home are relatively unchanged – kitty and i have stuck it out in the same townhouse for the entirety of this pandemic, drinking tea and cuddling on the sofa. visitors have come and gone. we have been luckier than most.
as much as i want to express something meaningful, i’m fully aware of the robotic nature of this entry. rather than try to force something profound, i figured that the unpolished and unapologetic blatancy of my blandness would be truer to my style and the purpose of this page. that being said, i’m hoping to resume somewhat regular entries and hopefully recover bits of my soul along the way like so many horcruxes.
if you’re still here, thank you.
