february 13th – a day coined by legendary small-town fictional indiana politician leslie knope as “galentine’s day.” for me, today marks the one year anniversary of the day i threw out my ex. for the record, we never celebrated valentine’s day; we were coworkers and billiards buddies, and not a particularly romantic couple. after five years and change of ups and downs, planning to get married, but never managing to stop fighting or see anything from the other’s perspective, what finally did us in was my father’s cancer diagnosis midway through 2019. i had never really needed my partner before in the way that i came to then, but because his father had passed of cancer when he was 13, he became triggered and completely emotionally withdrew during my darkest hour. after several days in a row at the hospital without him, i knew we wouldn’t make it. we finished up the year amicably, attending each other’s family holidays, including my dad’s birthday in december and my sister’s new year’s eve party. it was admittedly weird to not kiss at midnight.
where it started to get bumpy was in the fact that he refused to leave. at first, i wasn’t trying to rush him out. as a couple who worked and lived together, our lives were deeply intertwined, and i did genuinely want to end on good terms and maintain whatever future friendship we could manage. in september, he moved into our second room, and any time i would gently bring up the idea of looking for his own place, i was told that he wasn’t ready and didn’t want to yet. at some point mid-january, i noticed a marked change in behavior. i asked if he’d started seeing someone, and assured him that it would be fine if the answer was yes, but that i would expect him to be upfront with me about it and start looking for his own place. i was assured that my suspicions were far off – that week, and the next week when i asked again, and the next week…and every week until february 13th. the thing is, i always know when i’m being lied to.
in the end, i finally got my confirmation the hard way while sleuthing around at work. i took his house key off of his keychain, left work early, and tossed everything he owned into the walkway behind our building before his shift ended. my best friend would later say it was very beyoncé of me, which made it sound way cooler than it was. i didn’t feel like beyoncé. unless she was talking about when beyoncé stood catatonically frozen in the elevator while solange smacked jay z around – that’s a beyoncé i could feasibly relate to. i felt majorly betrayed by the person who had been closest to me for over half of a decade – not by seeing someone else, to be clear, but by lying to my face about it time and time again when i had allowed him to continue living in my apartment for months beyond my own comfort level after he failed to show up for me in the first place while my father was slowly dying in front of me every day. i felt like years of friendship were bulldozed by something that could have been avoided with a simple “yes.” he never apologized. while i’m no longer upset by any of it, frankly, i’m not sorry, either. i could never understand the mindset of lying or withholding information to try to prevent hurting someone. honesty, however difficult, is an indication of respect. the lie always hurts more, no matter the intent.
in the few weeks of freedom between mid-february 2020 and lockdown a month later (when you could still actually go out), i went on a handful of really fun dates – none of which led to much of a deeper connection, but it was refreshing to remember that i was actually worth making an effort for. dating since lockdown initially began has only proven to be wildly complicated and unlucky – we won’t get into that now. however, this valentine’s day, i’m actually really into the holiday for maybe the first time in my life, as hallmarky and consumerist as it may be, and with no actual relationship to speak of. a couple of dear friends have shipped me valentine’s packages – i seriously need to up my friendship game, i barely deserve these people – and i have some outdoor dates lined up in the celebration of truly tolkien-worthy friendships. in a year marked by repeated and unrelenting heartbreaks of various natures, i am beyond grateful to have valentines in my life who will show up year after year no matter which person of interest at any point in my life is hellbent on manipulating me until it stops being fun for them. i’m not bitter, you’re bitter.
that being said, if you’re alone this valentine’s day, please treat yourself. buy yourself some candy, take a bubble bath, order in your favorite food, take yourself for a walk at sunset, rent a movie…i will be watching the wizard of oz, myself. drink so much water. i think it’s increasingly common this far into the pandemic abyss to stop prioritizing self-care (ahem, points to self), and it can quickly turn into a quicksand-like trap, especially if you are already prone to lapses in mental health. a number of weeks ago (who knows now), after a questionable amount of days of not showering or changing out of pajamas and forgetting whether or not i’d brushed my teeth because “it doesn’t matter because no one is ever going to see me again anyway,” just forcing myself to practice basic human hygiene actually felt like a small weight being lifted. for one, it’s nice not to feel disgusting, and secondly, it was one less thing to worry about when your brain is constantly overflowing with thoughts about everything that is wrong with you and the world you live in. another really helpful way to regain a feeling of control over your life as it spirals into chaos and days begin to blend together is to write out a list of small things you know you can realistically accomplish (like “brush your god damned teeth”) and cross them off as you do. this valentine’s day, just make that list about doing things that you love, for you. it won’t fix your love life or your mental health issues, but it will make you feel like you earned an A+ at self-love for the day. and that’s enough!
equally important, take time tomorrow to express to the people who love and show up for you how much they mean to your life. tell your friends you love them, make it weird. leave a voicemail of yourself singing mediocre love songs. send them a valentine, or a letter, or a postcard – it’s fine if it shows up late. and then, do it again, regularly – not just on valentine’s day when you feel obligated to express your feelings because hallmark says you should. i know there tends to be a common theme in my entries, but i really can’t stress it enough – we’re getting older, naturally drifting apart, and frankly, people die eventually. and while that shouldn’t be at the forefront of your mind, it should be kept in the back of it to remind you to love them well while we’re all still here. they deserve it, and you do, too.
